Pregnancy: Things people will almost definitely say to you at some point.

Throughout my Pregnancy journey, I quickly discovered that people seem to lose that all important filter when talking to you, around you or about you. You know that filter that tells them they probably shouldn't say that thing out loud/nobody really wants to hear it? 

As soon as you are a bit pregnant- like beyond the oohs and awwhs and how exciting- and people have got used to the idea, BANG their filter breaks whenever they are near you. You will notice people beginning to tell you all sorts of things (that you definitely didn't ask for or want to know) and people when say things to you about your body/ life as though its perfectly acceptable all of a sudden. 

Now I am nearing the end of my Pregnancy I have come up with a bit of a list of the kind of things I mean. some of which, if you have the pleasure of hearing yourselves, will probably be really annoying by week 39. if not before!    

The Downers

There will definitely be people who upon hearing your joyous news will say:

•  "That's it then, your life is over." ...Gee thanks, how do I even respond to that. In my head: I certainly said I am sorry your life is so shit that you feel that way about your children. Reality: awkward smile and laugh. 
• "Well you won't be doing that again."  When the doing of anything fun/out of the house is mentioned...Contrary to your belief your life does not cease to exist after children, change yes but I am sure I will leave my house. 
• "Ha ha, get used to it! it'll be like this for the next 18 years!" At the merest suggestion you might be feeling tired. Okay I have to hand it to them they may be a bit right here but I don't want to know that I just want some sympathy! 
• Also coming under this heading are the regular updates on other peoples bodies: "My gums were never the same..." "I used to have lovely pert boobs, now I have to scoop them up into industrial bras." "You'll be leaking everywhere soon." "My stomach has never been the same." All true to the individual I am sure, but again all things I could do without knowing at 6 months pregnant when my body is doing all kinds of strange things.  

The Bump/weight comments

I had quite a big bump quite quickly, so from very early on I had the joys of hearing all manner of bump and weight related comments. It seems as soon as you are pregnant it is totally okay for people to embark on a lengthy discussion on your size, shape, weight and general appearance. These discussion are often conducted as though you were not there.

• From someone who hasn't seen you for a little while Or in fact someone who saw you yesterday: "OOH haven't you got big?" erm...Thanks? what do I say to this...yes Brenda I have?? whilst in my head longing to utter well yes that is generally what happens when one is carrying a baby... see also: "You look even bigger than yesterday/ this morning." "That dress makes you look huge."  "OMG look how big you are!" All lovely self esteem boosting comments when you literally feel like a whale. 
• "Are you sure its not twins?" ...Where do I begin with this one. No, IT IS NOT, it was not twins last time you said that and it still isn't twins!  
• "OOH You must be ready to pop." This is especially annoying when coming from someone who knows when you are actually due and you are currently only 6/7months pregnant. 
• "You must make sure you watch your weight and don't eat those crisps." This from an obese midwife after explaining that whilst I as doing my best to eat healthily crisps kept the sicky feeling away.

The personal experience/ horror story crew

People (who you might not even know that well) feel the need to tell you EVERYTHING about their own experiences or even their mothers experience or their sisters experience. You don't want to know, you didn't ask, you'd rather not hear and you definitely aren't interested in the baby that Deborah from Tesco's checkouts daughters sister in law just had...

Oh people will also feel the need to tell you their gruesomest horror stories or if you are lucky they will "considerately" wait till you are "out if ear shot" e.g about three steps away before they embark on the horror story journey in hushed tones to other people so as not to scare you...

• "OOh I didn't have any pain relief when I did it." followed by an in depth description of their birth...
• "I tore from here to here and had 20/50/100,000 stitches"...Thanks for the mental image and general feeling of anxiety...
• "My epidural stopped working!" or "My epidural kicked in afterwards and I couldn't move me legs..." 
• "I pushed for x hours before I HAD TO HAVE AN EMERGENCY CESAREAN." followed by a description of that experience and some kind of reassurance that you will in fact be fine...
• "my waters broke in x place." Really making staying indoors sound good right now.
• "It feels like x when the crowning happens." Fill in x with their own delightful description of crowning: Lighter on my vag, Intense most painful burning ever, Like I was ripping in two...

The I've heard crew

Don't think for one minute that your friends colleagues or people you vaguely know who haven't had children will be exempt from this list. Oh no, Everyone whats to contribute. The worst thing about this crew is you are either expected to knowledgeably answer their Hersey or sit in shock and wonder if what they have just told you is true. 

• "Ive heard you need to bring your own sieve to catch the poo." Open mouthed look of horror. 
• "Can you feel the baby when you have sex."  What do you even mean?
• "So what happens with a water birth then are you naked?" 
• "Ive heard the baby can do x in the womb." 
• "how do you walk? does it feel like it is going to fall out." I am not even joking, this was said to me. 
• " Can you still have sex?" 

The over positive crew

Ah the ones that thing they are being so positive and helpful. 

• "Not long to go now!" This was regularly said to me from about 6 and a half months pregnant...
• "Oooh it's so exciting! are you excited?" Well yes of course I am but I am also tired, anxious, heavy and the more you ask me if I am excited the less likely I am to actually sound excited.
• "x even wont be so bad you will have a great time!" When moaning about having to go somewhere or do something when its hot and you feel like a whale,  this great tit bit was also usually uttered by men and childless women but also disappointingly occasionally by women who have had children.  
• "Do whatever you feel is the best thing to do, people will give you advice but don't feel you have to take it." usually said just after someone has given you advice...

The list is almost endless and I am sure I could go on for days after all nine months is a long time for people to say things to you. 

I shall end here however, with a favourite which at 39 weeks people now use instead of hello...(unfortunately they have been saying it for the past two months?!)

"OOH He's still in there then?"