Reflecting and sniffling

I have a 9 month old. He has been here for the same amount of time I cooked him in my belly for. Wow. I literally have no idea what has happened to the last 9 months, but they have gone somewhere and now the date of going back to work looms over me like a dark cloud. It is not that I didn't like my job or work place, far from it I have always rather enjoyed them both especially in comparison  to  some of my other jobs. No it's  not  that. I am truly heartbroken that I have to leave my baby for three days every week.
I never knew what it was that I wanted to do, I remember wondering how girls I was at school with could be so 100% sure and focused in what they wanted to do in life! They had some inner voice which told them their purpose, their calling in life.
I never really experience that, I had things I was good at and ideas of ventures and projects I might begin, jobs I was good at and jobs I am still good at but I never had a calling as such until now.
I feel like finally I have found the thing I was meant to do! I am meant to mum! I love it! I have spent the last 9 months fully immersing myself in this role, yes sometimes it makes me want to scream and sometimes it's really tough but so are most people's careers. There seems to be two sides of mums the ones who can't wait to go back and the ones who really don't want to, interestingly the former is the majority! I however, am most definitely in the latter group!
Sadly, nobody is going to pay me to continue investing all my time and energy in my newly discovered role in life, I therefore, must find a way to fit in earning some actual money as well as continuing to be dedicated to mummyhood!
I cannot believe that I now, somehow, have to fit in working around this other role of mine and that I must tear myself away from my gorgeous boy. I have barely spent a day away from him since he was born!
feeling terrified at our new journey!

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