Overwhelmed
It does not take much to overwhelm me. As an anxiety sufferer, and I make no secret of that, I am used to having the crushing feeling of being overwhelmed descend on me like a sack of shit.
I obviously have no comparison to what being overwhelmed feels like to an 'ordinary (if indeed there is such a thing) person. But to me it is an all encompassing feeling that can come on quite suddenly or can spend it's time brewing in the back of my mind before rearing forward like a greyhound after a rabbit.
I am aware that I have now rambled for at least two paragraphs...therein lies the problem. My anxiety induced feeling of overwhelmed comes hand in hand with a helpless, confused procrastination. I can be 100% overwhelmed by the mess in my kitchen and 100% unable to do anything but wonder aimless around in circles perhaps picking up a dirty plate and putting it down again.
Anyway, the main reason I wanted to write today is because after about 2 years if being mainly anxiety free (ish) it has slammed back full force. I am unable to pick out a singular reason as to why, perhaps it was the hormone change that came with stopping breast feeding or it could be the fact that there is a lot of change on our horizon.
Perhaps it's a combination of everything. I currently feel as though EVERYTHING is happening at once and I guess, now that I am actually putting pen to paper...or fingers to key board, I'm not totally wrong. There is a lot going on and I'm scared.
Firstly, my parents not only went their separate ways (after a tumultuous relationship that has a pretty much been an on going car crash for most of my life.) But my mum has also moved. She has moved all the way to devon, which might as well be the end of the world when faced with a train journey accompaanied by a toddler. This is situation which I have mixed emotions about. I am glad they have started the next chapter of their lives and that they will likely both be happier but I am undeniably stressed about this; suddenly all I can think about is how will I cope if I have baby no.2?! Who will babysit baby no.1 who will listen to me moan and know when need to be driven out to sit in the countryside and drink tea!! As you can see this is an event which has almost definitely contributed to my overwhelment.
Simultaneously to this we have been forced to move away from an area we know, our jobs, family and most of our friends in order to buy a bigger house. This is a necessity when you have a toddler who is quite frankly wild and well on his way to being a freakishly tall human being. Unfortunately due to our current Tory govt and possibly the baby boomers? We have been priced out of our area and forced into the next place along we can afford.. which isn't very near at all.
Coupled with that stressful situation we also lost our buyers and nearly the house we were buying, resulting in having to keep the flat tidy all over again and find new ones! Luckily we rode out that little blip and are back on track but I can't help but feel like it put it's little black mark of stress inside my head that still lingers.
I am now fighting an endless battle of trying to pack boxes and tidy up whilst the toddler in packs them and messes up, I am also trying desperately to play Tetris with said boxes and find ingenious ways of storing them in our tiny flat whilst we get ready to move all the while trying to also maintain some sort of regular life of eating, sleeping and soon also working..
Dear God help me?!
Now that I have actually written thus I can see that there is probably a pretty good stack of reasons why I am feeling the way I am feeling yet I can't shake the fuzzy headed overwhelming feeling fast enough! O am also finding that this weather...This grey mizzle is really not helping!!
Now, I don't want to leave this on a negative note but I feel as though sometimes it's almost impossible to escape that feeling, I am not one f those people that can be positive all the time, I have to really work hard on it and it seems to take a lot of energy. Energy which I am using for so many other things at the moment.
So I am just going to end with, roll on moving...actually scrap that roll on post move and being settled and starting the next chapter!
Life is an adventure after all...
I obviously have no comparison to what being overwhelmed feels like to an 'ordinary (if indeed there is such a thing) person. But to me it is an all encompassing feeling that can come on quite suddenly or can spend it's time brewing in the back of my mind before rearing forward like a greyhound after a rabbit.
I am aware that I have now rambled for at least two paragraphs...therein lies the problem. My anxiety induced feeling of overwhelmed comes hand in hand with a helpless, confused procrastination. I can be 100% overwhelmed by the mess in my kitchen and 100% unable to do anything but wonder aimless around in circles perhaps picking up a dirty plate and putting it down again.
Anyway, the main reason I wanted to write today is because after about 2 years if being mainly anxiety free (ish) it has slammed back full force. I am unable to pick out a singular reason as to why, perhaps it was the hormone change that came with stopping breast feeding or it could be the fact that there is a lot of change on our horizon.
Perhaps it's a combination of everything. I currently feel as though EVERYTHING is happening at once and I guess, now that I am actually putting pen to paper...or fingers to key board, I'm not totally wrong. There is a lot going on and I'm scared.
Firstly, my parents not only went their separate ways (after a tumultuous relationship that has a pretty much been an on going car crash for most of my life.) But my mum has also moved. She has moved all the way to devon, which might as well be the end of the world when faced with a train journey accompaanied by a toddler. This is situation which I have mixed emotions about. I am glad they have started the next chapter of their lives and that they will likely both be happier but I am undeniably stressed about this; suddenly all I can think about is how will I cope if I have baby no.2?! Who will babysit baby no.1 who will listen to me moan and know when need to be driven out to sit in the countryside and drink tea!! As you can see this is an event which has almost definitely contributed to my overwhelment.
Simultaneously to this we have been forced to move away from an area we know, our jobs, family and most of our friends in order to buy a bigger house. This is a necessity when you have a toddler who is quite frankly wild and well on his way to being a freakishly tall human being. Unfortunately due to our current Tory govt and possibly the baby boomers? We have been priced out of our area and forced into the next place along we can afford.. which isn't very near at all.
Coupled with that stressful situation we also lost our buyers and nearly the house we were buying, resulting in having to keep the flat tidy all over again and find new ones! Luckily we rode out that little blip and are back on track but I can't help but feel like it put it's little black mark of stress inside my head that still lingers.
I am now fighting an endless battle of trying to pack boxes and tidy up whilst the toddler in packs them and messes up, I am also trying desperately to play Tetris with said boxes and find ingenious ways of storing them in our tiny flat whilst we get ready to move all the while trying to also maintain some sort of regular life of eating, sleeping and soon also working..
Dear God help me?!
Now that I have actually written thus I can see that there is probably a pretty good stack of reasons why I am feeling the way I am feeling yet I can't shake the fuzzy headed overwhelming feeling fast enough! O am also finding that this weather...This grey mizzle is really not helping!!
Now, I don't want to leave this on a negative note but I feel as though sometimes it's almost impossible to escape that feeling, I am not one f those people that can be positive all the time, I have to really work hard on it and it seems to take a lot of energy. Energy which I am using for so many other things at the moment.
So I am just going to end with, roll on moving...actually scrap that roll on post move and being settled and starting the next chapter!
Life is an adventure after all...
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